Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a pattern with someone? Like every time you try to talk about something serious, they joke around or change the subject? That might be a Freudian game. These games are not about board pieces or winning points. They’re emotional patterns that people play—without even knowing it!

Let’s dive into what Freudian games are, how they work, and why they happen. Don’t worry—we’ll keep it fun and easy.

What Are Freudian Games?

Freudian games are emotional dances. People play them when they’re avoiding something deep inside—feelings, fears, or memories. Sigmund Freud believed that many of our actions come from the unconscious mind. That’s the part of our brain where we push things we don’t want to face.

So instead of saying, “I’m scared you’ll leave me,” someone might start a fight. Or instead of saying, “I want to be noticed,” someone might act like they don’t care. These little actions are Freudian games—ways our minds trick us into avoiding emotional danger.

Where Do These Games Come From?

They usually start in childhood. When we’re little, we learn how to get attention, love, or safety. If crying got Mom to hug you, you learned to cry. If being quiet kept Dad from yelling, you learned to stay silent. As we grow up, we keep playing those emotional games—even when they don’t work anymore.

It’s like muscle memory, but for feelings.

Common Freudian Games

Let’s look at a few familiar types:

• The Martyr: Always suffering in silence, hoping others will notice. They want help, but won’t ask for it.
• The Victim: Everything happens to them. They feel powerless but often refuse solutions.
• The Hero: Always saving others. They feel needed but may ignore their own needs.
• The Tease: Sends mixed signals to get attention but pushes people away when they get too close.
• The Joker: Uses humor to avoid real feelings. Makes people laugh to hide pain.

Sound familiar? We all play these roles sometimes. They’re not bad—they’re just habits our brains made to protect us.

Why Do People Play These Games?

Most Freudian games come from good intentions. People are trying to feel safe, loved, or accepted. But over time, these games can cause confusion and hurt in relationships. Why? Because they are unspoken. No one says, “Hey, let’s play emotional chess.” It just happens underneath the surface.

When one person plays a game, the other responds—sometimes with their own game! Before you know it, two people are locked in a cycle of confusion and frustration. That’s why it’s important to notice the pattern.

How Freudian Games Work

Let’s break it down into simple steps. Here’s how a game usually plays out:

1. Trigger: Something reminds a person of an old fear or need (but they may not realize it).
2. Emotional Reaction: The person feels uncomfortable, sad, angry, or afraid.
3. Game Response: Instead of dealing with the feeling directly, they do something indirect (like pout, joke, blame, or retreat).
4. Reaction from Others: People respond—sometimes in predictable ways. The game moves forward.
5. Cycle Repeats: Until someone breaks the pattern.

Let’s use an example:

• Susan feels jealous when her boyfriend talks to someone else (trigger).
• She doesn’t want to seem “clingy,” so she stays quiet (emotional reaction).
• Later, she gives him the cold shoulder (game response).
• He gets annoyed and pulls away (reaction from others).
• Susan feels even more unloved. The game repeats.

Both of them may be playing emotional roles based on past experiences. But neither one is truly saying what they feel.

How to Spot a Freudian Game

Here are some clues that a game might be happening:

• You feel confused after a conversation.
• Someone’s actions don’t match their words.
• The same arguments keep happening over and over.
• You feel like you’re being pushed and pulled emotionally.
• You walk away unsure what the other person really meant.

If this sounds like your relationship with a friend, partner, or even a coworker—it’s okay! You’re not weird or broken. You’re just human.

How to Break the Pattern

Here are some simple steps to breaking emotional games:

1. Notice the game: Be curious. If something feels off, pause and ask yourself, “Is there a deeper feeling here?”
2. Name the feeling: Are you sad, scared, angry? Say it out loud—to yourself or someone you trust.
3. Get real: Be honest, even if it feels awkward. Speak plainly: “I feel left out,” or “I’m afraid of losing you.”
4. Listen: The other person might be playing a game too. Listen gently and give them space to be real.
5. Repeat: This isn’t a one-time fix. It takes practice!

The more you practice honest communication, the less you’ll need those emotional patterns from the past.

Can Freudian Games Be Fun?

The word “game” makes it sound playful. And in a way, these emotional patterns are very creative! They are clever ways our minds try to protect us. Once you start seeing them, you might even laugh. “Oh wow, I was totally being the Martyr again!”

Humor helps. Kindness helps even more.

You don’t need to “win” these games. You just need to understand them. Once you do, you’re free to stop playing.

Final Thoughts

Freudian games are like emotional theater. Everybody’s playing a part, but nobody knows the script. Once you learn to see these patterns, life gets a lot clearer—and a lot lighter.

Remember:

• You’re not broken—you’re behaving in ways that once made sense.
• Everyone is doing their best with what they learned.
• You can change the script—starting right now.

So next time you find yourself mid-drama, take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What part am I playing?” Then try dropping the act. That’s when real connection begins.